Learning to fly

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Fear. It’s what confines us.

Bravery. To me –  that’s what defines us.

I took a huge leap of faith and quit my job. I left. I left without a net, without another opportunity. I left without anything better on the horizon – because even that in itself was still better for me than staying. I finally listened to everyone who kept telling me I could do better, and more importantly, I listened to myself. Silly ol me who may have never believed I could. Maybe I couldn’t fathom that something I was so good at was bad for me. That something I put so much blood, sweat and tears into wouldn’t love me back the same way I loved it. And if it did love me back, it was only just convenient love. My love was their convenience. How on earth could something be so toxic that at the same time was something that brought me joy? I really, truly couldn’t make sense of it. Things like that dont exist in my realtiy, and in my “this makes sense and this doesn’t” world.

Funny. Because this sounds like I’m talking about a relationship, or a bad break-up. And I guess in a way, it is. And it was. And the same logic applies.

It’s only been a few weeks, but I feel like I’m actually going through the process of greiving. Greiving the end, greiving what it was and what it wasn’t, and now greiving that’s it over. I’m mad, and sad, and miss it, and hate it – all at once, sometimes one at a time, and ever so randomly throughout the day.

I’m scared. You know, scared like – Will I get a job? When will I get it?  Was this the right decision? What if my next job is worse? Wait. Stop. It wont be. It just can’t be. Because now I know. I know what I deserve, and what I want, and what will make my life better. This job, and this bad breakup – they’re both setting my new standard.

I just got a little more ballsy, a lot tougher and big time courageous.

There’s no going back, I wont let myself. I was tough enough to leave – so now’s the time to be brave. There were so many other times I told myself that it was the end, that I was finally going to leave, that it was finally going to be over. I would tell people that, and I would tell myself that – yet I would do nothing. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t the right time, and that maybe if I waited it out it would just get better – but is it ever the right time to get gutsy?

Now’s the time to get real with what it is you want in life (this is me saying this to myself in the mirror in the morning), even when that stupid, logical voice inside your head is maybe trying to convince you otherwise.

Now is the time to get uncomfortable. Now is the time to get weird.

I decided to do this, so now I must embrace it and run with it and go with it and see what happens.

And sure – not everyone may be supportive. Of course there are going to be those that are weary of decisions we make in our lives that start a new path, or a road less traveled – or whatever cliche you want me to reference. Maybe their silent judgement with the “Did you really quit your job?” or “There’s still time to get it back though, right?” questions are just because they’re scared too. Maybe your decision isn’t in their logical world – in their world that says it’s okay to take risks. Maybe they dont understand it. But that’s ok. You and I may not be the same. You may not have that strong, intuitive gut feeling that you will be okay, and that this will only lead to better things. You dont have to understand it. It’s okay to be scared. Hell, I am too! But that’s the exciting part.

And then you will have those that are supportive. Those that are proud of you, and believe in you. The ones that say the right thing at the time time, just for that split second where you started to doubt yourself, and your choices and your path. Those people in your life, that just like you, truly do know that you will be just fine. And hallelujiah for them 😉 Because that feels good.

I just jumped. And I’ll figure out the rest on the way down.

I’m going on job interviews, and applying for things out of my comfort zone, and even turning down a few job offers to know what it is I truly want, but more importantly, what I deserve. Kind of like dating around 🙂

I’m soaking up a little San Diego love so I know I can give love back into my new job, and my life, and to those around me. In order to be my best self I really needed to get back to the core of what and who I am, and what brings me joy and energy and peace. So I’m doing just that!

Got my canines cleaned, my locks trimmed, my nails did, my skin a little sun kissed and my heart fired up again. My days right now consist of yoga, and beach walks, and reading, and writing (more frequent blog posts coming soon) and cooking and eating more healthy. In a way its like I’m doing my own version of a cleanse. A life cleanse of some sort I guess. And why not now? Why not get good at being me before I dive back into a new job where I will spend more than 3000 hours a year at and pour more blood, sweat and tears into. I think it’s important we all take the time to do something like that if we can – even if it’s just for a day, or a weekend.

I’m purging out all that was bad in order to make room for greatness to enter into my life.

Ironically – the timing of the seasons couldn’t be more aligned – this is definitely my spring cleaning 🙂

To you it may sound crazy that I’m saying all of this just about a job, but to me, maybe it wasn’t just a job. It was a place where I found value in myself, where I grew and blossomed – a place where I was silly and laughed all day. A place where I met best friends. Friends that will be in my life until the end.

It wasn’t just a job – it was a place that became a part of me. A place that changed my life, and my future and my fate. The good, the bad and the ugly – it was a super long and large chapter in my life.

And now it’s over.

I may fail. This may not be all roses and sunshine and smiles. In fact, I know it wont. It may get tough, and hard. I may go really broke, and have to be super creative and resourceful until I find my new and perfect job. Oh wait. Those don’t exist? Damn.

But that’s ok. It was a risk I was willing to take. Risks aren’t meant to be easy or else we’d do them all the time. I feel alive. And back in the drivers seat. And in charge of me and my life and my fate.

And I bet you could do this too. You can walk away from something bad, or finally chase that dream you always thought was so far and distant. Deep down we’re all the same – we just show it and express it and live it differently. We’ve all got it in us. We’ve all got guts.

So that’s me. And that’s where I’m currently at.

I jumped. And I may be falling.

But I’m learning to fly.

And it’s pretty neat.

 

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3 responses »

  1. With a drive like yours, there’s no stopping you. You’re bound to do amazing things and I’m so excited to be along for the ride.

  2. Pingback: Risky Business | peaceloveandhippiness

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